A Different Kind of Pain – The Knocks at My Door

by Melody Jean

Contemporary Seeker A Different Kind of Pain – The Knocks at My DoorWe expect pain. We know pain. It sears, it digs, it jabs— it can be all consuming.

From the Creeping Kind to Surprise

The elusive element comes in many forms – different shapes and sizes; even to varying degrees.

It wears funny faces and can appear out of nowhere, suddenly creep up on you, or it may just take you by surprise.

A New Form

I thought I’d experienced every form of pain.

The kind that’s of the physical sense – on your skin or body, and also all of those that engulf your heart.

Yet, my assumption was wrong.

I’ve been blessed, I guess, with a new form of pain.

One so far removed from that which is the primary cause; I almost missed that it was indeed pain.

Soul Pain

I am crying in pain, for mercy of some sort.

I feel a break – like something has come undone.

My heart is so, so heavy, and so, so humbled.

I feel the pain, if you can believe it, in my soul.

–> Broken

The closest feeling I can relate it to are those times when I’ve broken-up with a man I was in love with.

It’s a pain that deep, yes, it’s that sore.

Yet, I have not parted ways with the man in my life.

No, no I have not. He is still very much there, which is an orb of comfort. As is that which emanates from all of those who care for me.

But, they can’t fix this.

It’s a different pain, you see.

–> Surrender

I am suffering – a physical malady of sorts, the details not important.

Yet, it’s pushed me to the point of surrender.

–> Knock, Knock

I’ve been shunning the subtle knocks on my door over the entire course of my life.

Knock, knock. I’d hear.

And I’d answer, customarily “who’s there?” But I’d do so almost in an inaudible whisper.

–> Slow Down and Rest

Each time, when I would open the door, there stood some tremendously weird obstacle. For example, when because of circumstance, I had to move my place of residence five times in 18 months.

Sometimes it stood before me in the form of a physical ailment (which was always obscure and debilitating to some extent). For instance, when I increasingly was unable to move my back and/or legs.

I realize now, that every time, without fail, I’d answer, and say, “Well, hello, Mr. Knocker. Let me guess, you want me to slow down, and rest?”

So with that, in my mind’s eye, I’d set forth to “rest.”

In my case “resting” was an all-out search to find an answer to my the problem at hand.

–> A Little Prayer

Each time too, I’d pray of course. Because that’s what we do. In time of need, we pray

I’d pray that whatever it was would leave my body or my life so I can go back to normal, and live my life as usual.

–> Ignoring the Message

Yes, I’ve always lived my life “as usual.”

Even after every, new scary knock, inevitably I’d end up ignoring the message for the “long haul.”

I would answer, entertain (via prayer and seeking answers), and then send it back on its merry way, and well carry on “as usual.”

–> Life as Usual

That is, the way I (my ego) wanted to.

Running my nervous system into the ground time and again with over-achieving ideals and expectations set forth by society to which I was all consumed.

Never allowing my mind and body time to rest so that they could repair and carry my soul to new heights.

Even though this is what my system cried for and needed.

A little prayer, and a tad of seeking, wasn’t enough.

Yes, apparently I ignored the knocks.

Knock, knock … knock, knock.

–> So the Knock, Knocked …

So here I sit, once again.

The knock this time wasn’t so light.

I believe the knock actually knocked.

And with its KNOCK, it shook me to my very core.

That place inside that I thought was unbreakable.

The one where I thought pain could never touch.

It’s consumed my soul.

I am in so much pain with this humongous “knock” that I surrender unto something else.

–> Message Received

I must change. I must recognize my higher calling, I must set to seek a different path.

This time is different.

–> No Life Will Never Be as Usual. Not Ever Again.

There will be no life as usual after this.

I am humbled, I am broken, and I am within the grace’s mercy.

All I can do, is surrender.

Embrace that this circumstance is how it has to be … for now.

And with that I will pray.

I will pray for me.

I will pray for you, and I will pray for all of humanity.

Yet, I will carry this essence, this new found mercy with me until I leave this plane.

I will serve the higher calling for now, and forever more.

I’m ready.

Yes, this new pain (of sorts) has brought me to my knees.

–> Humbly Small

I can only describe it as utterly humble, and I feel small.

I AM small, I know.

And yes, the beloved is big.

It is only through His light that I will return to whole.

Knock received.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Michael

I have added my prayers to yours

Reply

Melody Jean

Thanks Mike. I appreciate your kindness very much.

Reply

Cousin Stephen

Surrender is hard.
I wish you the best in every way.

Reply

Melody Jean

Thanks for your good wishes, Steve. My best to all of you too!

Reply

Desiree

WOW! All I can say is you’re not alone. Next to death, this pain is the deepest…yet, the most enlightening. I suspect your search for ‘the truth’ is over. Now you have ‘knowledge,’ use your gift, and share it with the world! (Very reminiscent of Betty Eadie’s NY best seller, ‘Embraced by the light’)

My advice, (and to myself and others alike) empower yourself and go for it. You are the only one standing in your way.

God bless you my friend & kindred spirit.

Reply

Melody Jean

Thank you for your note, Desiree. I don’t think my quest for truth will ever be over … so I look forward as to what will come next. I agree, epowerment of self is something that we must hone. Thanks again for your message!

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