Why I’m ‘Still Single’ – A Seeker’s Tale

by Melody Jean

Why I’m ‘Still Single’ – A Seeker’s Tale Contemporary SeekerWhen you’re thrown back into the dating pool many ask, “Why are you still single?”

I have to laugh at this (inside of course). Not because the person asked; it’s quite common actually.

It’s because it seems such a silly question; from a literal perspective anyway given the word, “still.”

When I answer him or her they are in for a big surprise.

And here I share that answer.

The one as to why I’m still single, if “still” is even ever accurate.

Defining the Definition

So, alas, why am I “still” single?

First, it depends what one intends to convey when they say “still single.”

I’m not so sure I’m “still” single in the literal sense.

While I might be single now, I’ve been coupled many times.

Gosh, I can be so, so, very literal with words.

It’s the writer and thinker in me, for better or worse. <wink, wink>

So I pondered this definition and I found the “definition” of “still single” really matters.

The Matter of ‘Why it Matters’

Why does the definition matter?

If one means “single” in terms of marriage (i.e. still not married), well, I’m sure as hell not alone. Hence the silliness of the aforementioned question I opened with.

The divorce rate is 50% and rising leaving people “single.” While this statistic doesn’t fit into the married definition of “still single,” it portrays the reality we face.

That is, why many are marrying later in life (hence still single) after the age of 30 and still, yet, many others even later in their 40’s.

Research shows that the older a couple is when they marry, the less likely it is that it will end in divorce. This is because each has taken adequate time to define who they are alone, before they couple with another. By age 23-25 you have no clue who are, truest story ever.

As well, others are choosing to not marry at all.

Even more telling is the research that millennials increasingly are not viewing marriage as a priority. Quite telling, indeed.

As for the “other definition” of “still single.” If one means in terms of not having a boyfriend or girlfriend in the present moment?

Well, that offers an entirely different perspective.

So here I share mine.

Life Without a “Him” Sometimes

This is where I currently sit. That is, with “no boyfriend” at this time.

It’s not that I don’t have boyfriends, it’s that I don’t have one now.

The reason? Sometimes I become single “again” by choice; other times by chance.

There’s no “one size fits all” answer.

Each person I’ve been with are wonderful men in their own ways.

When together all felt “right for right now.”

They ended because they were supposed to.

Societal Influence 

Society places expectations, almost unspoken promises, that if we do it in one way, we will be happy.

Then I beg to question – why are so many unhappy with the “process?”

The process of attending college (or several colleges for advanced degrees); finding an occupation; and becoming engaged, marrying, bearing/having children and grandchildren.

If we do achieve all of this, we’re promised the unspoken promise of “happy.”

That is, we can then live-out the “golden years” by retiring, traveling, and sitting on the porch reflecting fondly on life, and days gone by.

Beautiful in theory, yet, many go through these motions numb because they’re just led by idealistic expectations set forth in an era when we weren’t even yet born.

Further, it’s not unfolding like this for many leaving them, well, confused and disheartened.

And they’re certainly not “happily ever after.”

When Society Fails Us

We work at our jobs too hard (full time moms and dads included) to attempt to fulfill the aforementioned grandiose plan (I’m guilty).

Whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, we do it, especially in American culture.

Then many learn the hard way that there’s more to life than this.

Further, we’re left to wonder, when does the fun begin?

Why wait until retirement if the universe can’t promise us a tomorrow?

And in this day and age, are we really even promised a “retired period,” anymore?

My Awakening Wake-Up

After building, buying, and selling a house with another (which felt like I divorced), I came to terms with much.

No longer do a view a potential mate with expectations on how it “has to be.”

Rather, now, I let it unfold “as it should be.”

I broke-up with good men along the way because they couldn’t help me fulfill the set “plan” of society or didn’t desire to (i.e. they didn’t want to have children, but I was ready to have them).

Looking back, that was foolish. Especially since I never did find that mate who could help me fulfill that plan.

I always say I won’t settle to just have children. And I never did.

So having let many good men go, now I follow the heart, but use my brain. <another wink, wink, needed here>

In all truth, again I say “if it feels right for right now,” I let it flow.

Regardless if they want marriage, kids or to travel the world.

Their desires no longer dictate my choices.

My Love-ish Mantra of Today

I so dig a song by Rush called “Ghost of A Chance.”

Especially one verse that’s kind of my “love mantra,” for now.

“I don’t believe in destiny, or the guiding hand of fate. I don’t believe in forever, or love as a mystical state. I don’t believe in the stars or the planets, or angels watching from above. But I believe there’s a ghost of a chance we can find someone to love. And make it last…”

Life on My Own & The Feeling

I am very content on my own.

I go long periods of time between boyfriends.

Not intentionally, it just happens. My last ended 1.5 years ago and I dated another exclusively for three months since.

I have been invited on many dates.

Yet, what I seek is that “click” again.

I don’t need to be with someone to be with someone.

I want that feeling, it’s a knowing.

I don’t want to be obligated to spend time with someone.

Rather, I want to want to do so.

There’s a great quote I came across.

While I’m not sure who said it (otherwise I would give credit), I have to share because it’s, well, “so me.” 

“I like being alone, I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You’re not competing with another person you are competing with my comfort zones.”

Encountering Him

I’ve been lucky enough to encounter most boyfriends just by living life and stumbling upon them.

This is likely due in part because I’m okay with long periods of being on my own.

When solo, I just continue to pursue my interests and follow my heart (and head) when needed.

Yes, I know that I would like to find a life-long partner — the one I’m with “until death do us part.”

Yet, because of who I am, I also know that this will take time.

And I’m okay with “time,” for “time is a gypsy caravan” (from another Rush song).

That’s all for now. Peace.

 

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Jay P Lindsey

Your no good to someone else if your not truly happy with you, and finding that someone could take a life time, problem is life is short, you may have to find a happy medium or continue to row the boat, I’m still rowing myself but so far a mental attraction hasn’t slapped me in the face or kicked me in the ass, but I know its out there.

hope at least some of this makes sence, you know how nutsoid I can be…

Reply

Melody Jean

Hi Jay P thanks for your note and for sharing about you :)) cheers, my friend!

Reply

Sean Michael Kelly

Hear! Hear!
Yes, indeed to the sentiments and some of the experiences. (Of course, the gender of your pronouns would be feminine to echo here!)
Cheers! -SMK-

Reply

Melody Jean

Thanks Sean for commenting! I am so, so certain that this can be applicable to men as well. Thanks again for sharing :)) Peace.

Reply

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