How to Let Go of Someone You Love

by Melody Jean

I was a asked by a friend, “Mel, how do you let go of someone? Even when they’ve hurt you so very badly, it’s hard. So how do you find it in you to let go?”

I know the deep, gut-wrenching pain she was feeling as she uttered those words to me, so I offer this to her, and to all who need it. I will begin with a famous quote.

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.”

It’s Difficult Yet Doable

I’ve heard this quote by Kahlil Girbran many times, and I am sure that you have as well. Yet, whenever it came forth I always thought, as I do with many quotes, songs, and excerpts, that it sounds so simple, yet so complex. If it were only that easy – that is, to let someone go whom you love. I know from experience it’s as difficult as it sounds. Yet, I also know that it’s doable.

It’s Win/Win – You Win of Course!

It can actually be win/win if you do it with honesty and integrity. How is this possible you may ask? Well in my experience, there are two probable outcomes. I have actually experienced both “win” scenarios in my lifetime. One usually takes longer to get to the ultimate prize “the win” if you will.

It’s win in that, if he or she does not come back to you, ever; hopefully you have been spending your time moving on and opening yourself up to the universe and exploring what it is that you like to do and need to do as a productive citizen of society. While you are growing you actually unknowingly open yourself up to the possibility of finding someone who perhaps you will be with forever – your other half and hopefully a better half. This is definitely a winning scenario.

The second “win” is usually quicker. He or she comes back to you hopefully ready for you and for the “us” that you were longing for.

The Trippy Steps to ‘Letting Go’

So now to the complex part because in either case you need to let him or her actually go.

No Contact: The easiest way is cold turkey if possible, in that you have no contact. In the case of divorce or when children are involved; keep contact to only that which pertains to divorce proceedings or custody issues. Offer only what is necessary to be responsible and take care of your end and then let them go otherwise. Don’t ask questions or give up any of you, yourself, thoughts or ideas. In the long run it will only hurt more. If possible to have zero contact this is best, you will heal quicker.

Do Not Expect a Return & Grieve: Something that goes hand in hand with this is that you need to let them go without expecting them to return. This is the only way that you will be able to really move on. That is, to let them go without expecting that one day they will want to get back together. “Pretend” that they are gone for good (fake it until you make it).

While doing this you actually will need to grieve the loss. I mean really grieve the loss – cry and scream for hours or days if you need to, but get it out. Let the pain go. All the while you need to continue to ask your higher Will to take the pain away and help you to accept losing someone who was dear to you. Then let go. Say to your higher Will, “I am done. I am done giving them my pain.” Give the sadness up to something else, something greater than you. In letting go of the sadness that you feel and the resentment that you feel in having lost, you will let that person go.

The utter sense of relief that you hopefully will feel when doing this may be so overwhelming at first that you won’t know what to do, or what it is. Relish that feeling, it’s you believing in something greater than yourself, it’s you having faith that you will be taken care of.

Washing of the Water: I often find answers in music and I share with you a portion of Peter Gabriel’s Washing of the Water below. I have turned to this time and again to help find and hone the conviction needed to let go. The words are powerful if you allow yourself to feel them. He finds himself enthralled in something that he needs to let go of. While giving it up to something greater he asks that the washing of the water spring forth and take it all away, the pain from whatever it was that was weighing him down. I offer you this. Feel free too, to listen to the entire song via this live version that I found on YouTube. If you wish to just listen to the part of the song for the lyrics below, fast forward to about 2:32 in the song. In the meantime, love and light to you as you continue your journey of ‘letting go.’

Excerpt from Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel

Letting go, it’s so hard
The way it’s hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with thing
‘Cause if I follow through
I face what I denied
I get those hooks out of me
And I take out the hooks that I sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away

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