If Not This Then Something Better — The Awakening

by Melody Jean

If Not This Then Something Better -- The Awakening Contemporary SeekerI have thoughts that need out of my cranium, so I’m imploring myself to lay these words here.

I recognize that it’s been awhile since I blogged. This one, too, will have to be brief due to the medical issues that limit my ability to use the computer comfortably for long durations. So here goes …

Oxymoronish Sign?

At one point over the last 2.5 months since this has been increasingly getting worse with no answers from doctors (despite other abnormalities they’re finding), I thought this latest struggle was a sign to stay off of my computer.

Perhaps I’m just silly like that. Or is there truth here?

Is this an oxymoronish sign?

In Love with My Robot

You see, I love my job, love my blog, love writing, love blogging, love the internet, love googling, love social networking and so much more. However, I realize that all of these activities are, well, on the computer.

As is such, I’ve spent the majority of my life the last several years chained to my almighty robot with a keyboard.  This is who I was in love with.

Unintentional Intentions

I’d be remiss, though, to not add that I didn’t realize there was anything missing.  

Since I was actively hiking, biking, and spending adequate time with my family, boyfriend and friends; I truly believed I was balanced.

Going through what I am, now, I realize what I was doing wasn’t enough. Yet, gluing myself to the almighty computer God wasn’t intentional. It was an unintentional intention.

Hope and Fear at War

Since my recent ailments don’t stop at the computer – it’s hard for me to partake in many more activities comfortably. Even shopping in brightly lit places.

So with that, I’m scared. Afraid of my future, what’s to come next.

Yet, I take solace in admitting my fear and penning these words.

Especially since, with this blog, I promised to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And fear can be ugly.

Yet, hope is so very good.  

And somewhere buried in me, I have hope.

Despite the constant war inside between my fears and hope.

Awakening

So I can only hope that what I’m experiencing now is part of my soul’s awakening. That is, in a sense, it’s part of my journey to re-membering.

The dis-ease and dis-course, it won’t all be in vein. It will make sense someday, when I do re-member.

Losing to Win

While at times I feel like I’m losing everything, a part of me (perhaps my soul) knows that I’m traveling to somewhere great.

When I shared my fear that my life is slipping through my fingers a wise confidante said to me, “Melody, remember … if not this, then something better.”

Sometimes we have to lose to gain.

That’s all for now … love and light to you all. 

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