My Journey Roadblock: I Finally Open Up to You

by Melody Jean

I’m a private person, despite what you might think since I have this blog. I purposefully keep it vague, yet share enough so that the story and lessons learned can be understood.

You can gauge I’ve been sick, yet you’re likely unsure of what it is for certain that plagues me. Though you might have some guesses.

So to even pen this post, where I’m being a little more “open,” has been extremely challenging.

Further, to click the “publish” link in the blog’s setting, when the time comes, will be so very hard for me.

I will have now admitted to you, all of my readers, I’m in one of the most difficult battles of my life (or journey).

Yet, I promised with this blog to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Perhaps this isn’t ugly, just a part of my journey, but it’s a hard part for me …

Being Lazy

I’ve always been a seeker of truth, of light. Yet, I’ve been lazy in my pursuits, this I know.

This blog is where I chronicle my journey for truth and higher knowledge. It’s the place where I share that part of myself.

Yet, I’ve been told of “the path” many times, for many years. Since I was 18 years old.

However, I’ve allowed life, or what I deem as “problems” to stonewall me at times.

From my overachieving-personality, to the need to fulfill ideals set forth by society, yes, I’ve let much get in the way of me reaching higher.

My Road of Life

Since the onset of an illness, I’ve had many different ailments. The most recent, having to do with my hearing and its interaction with my brain.

With that, I have physically, emotionally, and I guess “spiritually,” gone through much. Traveling the road from grief, to acceptance, to a happenstance state of being.

Many who follow this blog don’t know that I was born with a mild to moderate hearing loss. It was diagnosed at the age of ten when I began using hearing aids. Always mainstreamed, I was able to transcend the loss and excel in grade school, college and graduate school (receiving a Masters level degree in communication). I’ve succeeded in my career too.

Additionally, most who cross my path don’t even know that I don aids. Even many of my co-workers throughout the years, and friends have no idea.

Beyond that Road

Yet, what I’m going through now, is way above and beyond that loss alone. I have experienced additional, rapid, hearing loss, coupled with other auditory ailments that pain me to talk about.

I will find out if one treatment I have undergone has helped to at least bring some hearing back. While I know some other elements remain, perhaps that one is on the up and up. We can pray…

Relearning As If I’m A Child

Now, I’m in the process of remembering what I used to do, and enjoy and learning new ways to pursue them despite it all.

It’s as if I’m a child. A child learning life (just again).

Is this a Part of My Journey, Or the Path Leading to It?

I wonder if now, due to this illness, I have to go back to basics. That is relearn life — what I knew (or perhaps better said what I thought I knew), before I can move forward in my higher learning?

Or if this “problem” is just part of my journey?

Yet, who am I to know?

For I really now know, and believe that I know nothing, or very little.

I just know that if this ailment is here to stay, I need to learn again, how to live in this “material” world with it as a cohabitant of my body.

If I can do that, then perhaps, I can continue my pursuits to reach higher.

Struggling to Reclaim

It’s a struggle at times, to remember, what I used to do prior to this new ailment that started almost four months ago.

You see, I’m uncomfortable much of the time. The aspects that make up this condition, are extremely painful and distracting. So while doing all of this, trying to reclaim and relearn, I need to find comfort too. I’m in a physical malady and work hard at transcending that.

Yet, I’m beginning to remember … listening to music, watching TV, seeing live shows, going to fun and new restaurants, cycling, blogging (here), and more.

Someone Else’s Life

Yes, I’m determined to reclaim those things.

It feels different though — my life, my mind, my body, everything feels different.

It’s as if I am walking through this world in someone else’s body.

Relearning Life — Case in Point — How I LOVE Pointed Cases!

For the first time since my additional hearing issues began, I went to a movie last night (in the theater).

I was ecstatic because I was able to discriminate the words (e.g. hear) most of what was said, despite my hearing loss (with my hearing aids of course).

Since I was able to better understand the movie last night at the theater, I’m thinking, perhaps the treatment helped. God willing, it did.

In any case, it was a wonderful feeling … even if for just that moment.

Of Most Importance

Yet, the most important element?

I need to continue to reclaim my life with this new aspect, carrying faith in my pocket that one day it rights itself for good. This way I can continue to my higher calling.

Is It Indeed a Roadblock?

So is this indeed a roadblock on my journey, or just a part of it, to push me even higher?

I’m not sure.

As for my hearing issues, some doctors tell me it’s transitory, others believe some of it is here to stay.

I’m beginning to think its cause is of something else, perhaps something higher.

It’s my hope that it will help me to see the light and travel to new heights.

Again, God willing.

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